Long-term loving relationships offer the most opportunity for us to grow into the people we want to become. It’s difficult to make fundamental changes in our selves after we reach adulthood. But an other who has been entrusted with our love and respect can guide (or sometimes push!) us to be our best selves.
That intimacy with a significant other is a great thing, but sometimes we lose sight of it. All of us have a need to feel safely connected to others, and all of us have fears of losing that. When arguments arise, the intimacy we have with our partners makes the pain even worse.
Think about the conflicts you have with your partner now. Think about the pain you feel around them. When you think of these things, do you feel close to your partner? Can you feel your love for your partner? Can you feel your partner’s love for you? For most people, it’s difficult to summon up those feelings of love when we’re immersed in feelings of fear and anger.
In my practice, the course of couples counseling centers around restoring and/or strengthening feelings of togetherness in couples. Arguments and other conflicts are normal. But when you feel safe in your connection to your partner, they aren’t so important.
You may feel like coming to a professional for help is the same as admitting that you’re not right for each other. You might think that if you can’t work it out by yourselves then you’re not a good couple. That’s just plain not true. Even couples therapists go with our partners to couples therapy sometimes. Those same conflicts that split us apart make us feel unsafe. And when we don’t feel safe we can’t have understanding for each other. Couples counselors work to make a safe place where the two of you can concentrate on working through your conflicts without distractions.
If you feel like the two of you could use my help making a safe place to work through your conflicts, go ahead and set an appointment for a consultation session.